going the way you want to

Transition and change. Two big parts of life, and I'm all for it. I have been part of some amazing work that has been on an ICE train for the last 3+ years. Like holy moly when I look back and see how far I've come, how far we've all come and how far we're going it's actually flabbergasting (yes I just needed to use that word).

Where I'm at now, my life is different, and all this change, evolution and transitions that have happened have taken me to an uncomfortable icky place where I've been like, hey wait, how did we get here? I don't want to be here.

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So now I'm calling change and transition. I'm asking for the train to stop, for us to look back and see where we went down a wrong track, to back up and get back on the right track, a new track or something. Something has to change, again.

So while I love rapidity, change and transition, and going with the flow. The flow isn't right anymore and so I'm asking for the change. It's scary to do that when you have always been the person that goes with the flow and says yes to everything. To pause and say, hey wait. I'm a person, I have a life, and that life is important and I want to have it and live it.

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So there's that. It's been uncomfortable, tense and awkward, but I know that this tight and squishy uncomfortable place (like wearing jeans 2 sizes too small) is temporary, and I'll soon be back to a happy work place.

So while there's that, there's also all the personal changes, transition, rapidity and going with that flow. That flow that is still incredible, smile inducing, laughter of the soul, warm hearts and all the things you still want it to be.

I love honest blogging. It's the only way to be. I realize when I look at my blog over the past 6 months I've basically only talked about amazingness... because the truth is, my life at home and my personal life is... amazing. I am so happy. The love in my life is so real and true and I am so excited to be able to move into our home, make it ours, and start our life together under the same roof. Rapid changes that make my heart so so happy.

However, let's be honest... work has been shitty and stressful during a lot of this. It has recently come to a head for me. My enough is enough. I'm not sure if one has to do with the other. Probably, I'm not the same person I was a year ago, and I'm not willing to do whatever anymore because I have a life here and I'm going to stand up for it. Before, work was my life, because it was my source of joy. Now I'm learning to balance the two.

I'm confident that voicing my concerns, putting my foot down on a number of important matters, and requesting that we care for ourselves and stay healthy in the work we do has worked. I have been heard. That is crucial.

And then, there is the health stuff. I actually started a whole huge post about it yesterday and stopped myself because I'm not comfortable disclosing it all right now. The truth is, that with my cutting gluten I still felt like there was something wrong, something my body was trying to tell me. With the work of a nutritionist/alternative medicine guru we think we have found the problem and source. I'm currently at the beginning of an 8+ week solution oriented journey that has me drinking some nasty concoction in the mornings and cutting sugar and dairy on top of my wheat. I want coffee (I cannot fathom it black).

So there's good, there's bad, there's annoying. I do know and trust though that all these changes are important and are leading me to a happy balanced place.

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