Here

I'm here... or there or wherever you want to call it.

I'm at that place.

You know the place I'm talking about don't you?

The ready place.

I think along the single journey I've made some comments about being ready for a relationship and such... but the reality of the matter is that I wasn't. Liar liar pants on fire.

Remember this post? Welp, ask and you shall receive.

I'm so single and summer is here and Europe is next week.

I'm off to the Eurotrip of a lifetime and am 100% unattached and single going into it.

There are zero prospects. Zero men. Notta. Zip. Zilch.

Since I've written that post I've thought I'd settle down with a boy or two... but it just keeps not working out for one reason or another.

What has this taught me?

That I'm finally ready for a relationship. That I truly want one. That I'm in a place where I can healthily (read: non-crazytown) handle it.

All of my experiences up until this point have shown me what I want.

The men (sometimes boys) that have come and gone in my life since entering singleville have really showed me and taught me what I'm after.

I've gone crazy a few times, and I've learned and grown a lot from that (and still cringe a bit when I think about it).

I have also approached several situations with a really adult, healthy and mature attitude.

I have met boys of all kinds of varieties, backgrounds, stories and maturity levels.

They've all shown me little snippets of what I'm after and seeking.

And after Europe and entering into a summer of living at home, I'm ready to pursue it.

And by pursue it, I mean relax and know it'll come when it's time.

Just dear ol' universe, buddy ol' pal... all my besties are settling down now and I'm going to be a lone soldier in singleville very soon... and if I have to write you a letter in like 5 months, 6 months and good lord a year pleading my readiness, I will not be happy. At least send me a fling or two, even though you know I'm after something a bit better and more real than that (I'm talking real deal).

Kthxbye.

I just know that I'm finally here... wherever that is, to that place where I can handle it and do the relationship thing again.

I'm happy in my life and finally ready to share it with someone else... whoever he might be.

Big Brother

I often wonder what he'd look like, how he would have aged, how bald he'd be by now. If he would have settled down, gotten married, had kids. It's crazy to think about how young he actually was, he may have left us when he was 22, but to me, he's always going to be my big brother.

Today he would have been 28 years old. 

Happy Birthday big brother, I love and miss you everyday.

xoxo

100 Questions

I saw this on IROCKSOWHAT yesterday and figured, why not? Join in if you so wish!

1. Are you young at heart, or an old soul? for a good number of years I thought I was brand new... but I recently have felt that I am a bit of an old soul in ways... there is a bit of wiseness to me. I think it's important to always remain young at heart.
2. What makes someone a best friend? you just get each other, and no matter how much time goes by, it's always the same.
3. What Christmas (or Hanukkah) present do you remember the most? my baby feel so real. best present ever that mysteriously disappeared a week later at my cousins house. i still wonder what happened to it. 
4. Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life. i think reading the book The Power after my break-up changed my life and put me on the path I needed to be on in a dark time. 
5. Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. my eyes, and i wish i could shrink my hips significantly. 
6. Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? yes there are a few.
7. What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? Emotional connection is important for staying power, but I think the physical attraction is really important too.
8. Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. Generally any movie with a 3 or 4 behind it. 
9. What holiday do you most look forward to? Civic holiday in August :)
10. How is the relationship between you and your parents? they're the bomb dot com. We're very close :)
11. You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? PVR'ed Friends
12. Name a song that never fails to make you happy. Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
13. You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. My cousin Mike. He was a bit of a childhood movie star. He was in movies with Whoopi, Olsen Twins, Jeff Daniels, Kirstie Alley, among others! 
14. Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? Indeed, and nope :)
15. If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? Back home or somewhere in the mountains :)
16. Can money buy happiness? No, but I think it can make life easier and less stressful.
17. Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? Yes, no and I'm going to Amsterdam, 'nuff said. 
18. Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names. Nobody is really standing out as a huge red flag, but there are a few people I know that I distance myself from
19. Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid? I'm not sure... probably Canada's Wonderland
20. Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? Nope!
21. Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? I love both, probably more on a regular basis I like being with a few friends. 
22. Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? My parents always have the Hits radio station on at home. I like most of their music, they probably dislike a portion of mine. 
23. Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? Yes, it goes both ways. Grade 6-8 is an awkward age when kids hormones are starting to rage and they become little meanbots. Kids were mean to me, I was mean to some people, it happens. 
24. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Salad...honestly. It would have to have feta cheese.
25. If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? Honestly...probably not. 
26. Do you believe in a god? Yes, but I prefer the term Creator.
27. Of all the social networks in the world, why use twitter? It's my alternate identity, very few people in my personal life know I have it. 
28. What’s your favorite hashtag to track? I don't track many hashtags ever. I just like making up random ones. 
29. Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Probably. 
30. Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended. United States of Tara - SUCH A GOOD SHOW. 
31. Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? Yes, Slapchop! haha... used it once.
32. If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? No...unless teleportation suddenly came to be. 
33. If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? First year university I'd say, "Get a job fool! You have to pay that money back! STOP SHOPPING." 
34. What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I can't think of one... but when I come home, Vada always (yes always) comes running and lays on the mat on her back and I have to rub her belly for at least a minute. I totally created the cuddle monster, and I love it. 
35. What is “normal?” Are you normal? Normal scmormal. I really don't think it exists... and when I feel normal, I feel crazy because there is a whole lot of not normal. If online dating has taught me ANYTHING. 
36. Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? Awful, but yes. 
37. What is one thing you could never forgive? lying and cheating. I guess... I think I can forgive is there is remorse, but I never forget. 
38. Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? The honeymoon always ends, but I hope to eventually find someone that I stay happy with after that. 
39. Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? Absolutely...but I think you always go through that confusing period of "I really like you, but not that way, should I though?" period. 
40. Where do you and your friends go to hang out? My couch, movies, malls, restaurants, bars, cottages.
41. Write the first sentence of your obituary. Amy lived a long, happy and healthy life surrounded by friends and a large family; she passed away peacefully in her sleep at the age of 98.
42. What is the best TV theme song ever? Friends!
43. When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up? A teacher, and funny enough I feel as though I am one in my own special, better than a regular teacher way (for me). 
44. When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? only between changing, I don't stay naked. 
45. What gets you out of bed in the morning? guilt for sleeping too long and needing to start working. 
46. Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? yes, I wish I had more in Ottawa.
47. What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? my tattoo, and europe NEXT week, all the the travel. 
48. You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? yes, but I'd likely scale back.
49. Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work? yes I think so, with the amount of travel I do with my job I feel like it's inevitably going to happen. I travel a lot, and there will no matter what be an element of long distance in it. I have to believe it can work, and that will hopefully be trust, and love for one another. 
50. What’s the best route to your heart? genuine compliments and SHOWING me you care.
51. Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life? this is getting old, fast (online dating). 
52. What is your favorite sport? to play? frisbee. to watch? olympics for 5 minutes.
53. What has been troubling you lately? packing for europe! eeeeep.
54. Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not? I did enjoy it, I didn't have a date, so that sucked... and my friends and I got so drunk that we weren't really "there" at the prom. It was at a resort and we kept coming and going to our room... and I feel like I missed out on a lot of the dance part. It was a ton of fun, and was POURING rain outside. I was supposed to have the after-prom party at my cottage, but it just was too much rain so we had to cancel. I ended up having an epic grad party to make up for it though. 
55. What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? i try to be logical... but it's always intuition which is often even vedo'd by paranoia and craziness haha
56. Do you know what makes you happy? family and friends
57. Tell me about the last book you read. Fifty Shades of Grey...yup 
58. What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? that I'm the real deal :)
59. Who was your first crush? Haha his name was Ben. Grade 1. 
60. Do you believe that there is life on other planets? Absolutely
61. Predict what your life will look like a year from now. Unimaginably better. 
62. Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began. Thanksgiving driving him back to Ottawa because he was my best friend's boyfriend's best friend. 
63. Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? I love all you can eat Sushi and The Works.
64. What is something you want to change about your current situation? I'd like at least a fling that lasts a month or something... maybe a relationship. I'm kind of bored of all the first dates. 
65. Early bird or night owl? Night owl to the max.
66. Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? A few for sure. 
67. Give me an unpopular opinion you have. I don't like the term feminism. 
68. What was the last song that was stuck in your head? Home - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes 
69. Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. in a one bedroom apartment on the Quebec side of Ottawa.
70. Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? recognition is awesome for kids, probably a ribbon would do. 
71. What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? from back home to Florida... it's a long ass drive. 
72. Have you ever taken part in a protest? nope
73. Would you ever use an online dating service? using.
74. What is your ethnic heritage?  Polish and English - fifty fifty. I am more in touch with my Polish side
75. Describe a person that inspires you. my coach at work
76. If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? I make better than doing what I love.
77. Do you believe in luck? not really. I use the word luck though.
78. Describe the last time you were very angry at someone. ummm, mainly frustrated because I was overworked and we spend so much time together it's inevitable, but talking it out made us stronger yet again
79. Do you want to live until you’re 100? as long as it's not a struggle. I don't want to not recognize anyone and be in a ton of pain. I also don't want to be like the last one alive and my children never visit or resent me or something like that. 
80. Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change? yes people absolutely do... sometimes you shouldn't keep the relationship together, but if you should... you just support them and adapt, as long as you aren't compromising your own happiness in doing so. 
81. Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them? in high-school fo sho. as an adult, let's hope not. 
82. Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends?  I went to see Dark Shadows with my friends even though I didn't want to this weekend, also went to the bar because I didn't particularly want to... but it's way better than being alone when you live alone. You take all the social you can get. 
83. Do you practice what you preach? when it comes to boys, absolutely not, i need daily reminders to relax and calm the f down. Everything else, I think so for the most part. Actually, probably not with self-love and dieting either. So... I guess that makes this a big fat no.  
84. If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly? care-free to the max.
85. What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence? intelligence for sure, but over-intelligence isn't always the best thing. 
86. Are you hard-headed? definition of.
87. Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? always.
88. When have you felt most alive? when I'm doing what I love in the community I work with, surrounded by amazing people, and at family gatherings laughing and having an amazing time.
89. Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains? outside a city, surrounded by mountains in the bush. 
90. Do you often skip breakfast? sometimes breakfast is around lunch, but i generally have it. 
91. How do you know what true love is? still waiting. 
92. Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die? ummmm NO.
93. Where is “home” for you? small town ontario surrounded by lakes.
94. What song best describes your life right now? Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
95. Do you want to be perfect? perfection is a state of mind... and i think we can be perfectly happy, and in that regard, yes :)
96. What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back? travel travel travel... just places i haven't been. time and money... but working on that :)
97. How do you express your creativity? writing
98. Describe your neighbourhood. busy street, shops, houses, and apartment buildings on the outskirts of old people suburbia
99. Name something you only liked because it was popular. painting your ring finger a different colour
100. Give me the story of your life in six words. Smiles. Laughter. Family. Spirituality. Journey. Love. 

Go Time

This week is going to be insane.

I have about 2 weeks worth of work to jam into Monday-Friday

I have a three week trip to Europe to pack for by Friday (into one backpack oh lord)

An apartment that needs deep-cleaning

A laundry pile that is bigger than me

A bunch of little things I need to get before Europe

A playlist that needs making

Driving home on Friday night 

A baby shower on Saturday

and a million things I can't think of

A flight on Sunday

Power. Through.

Good-bye sleep. Hello coffee.

aaaaand clearly there is no time to shower on a Monday morning

nervous stress excitement to the max

Why is going on vacation such a stressbot? 

I can't wait to relax.

gluten and things

Something I decided awhile back was to switch gears on this blog away from it being so weight loss oriented. I still read a ton of weight loss blogs and obviously care about being healthy and all that jazz, but  something I've kind of come to realize in the last year was that it wasn't about weight loss for me (that and my body has seemed to enjoy staying where it's at).

Of course I would like to walk into a store and have everything look good on my body again and to be able to lay around in a bikini on the dock this summer with no inhibitions, but at the end of the day what became important is leading a healthy lifestyle.

If I could choose being healthy and looking the way I look over eating crap and fake food and being skinny, it'd take me a minute to decide, but I would choose being healthy.

I love eating fresh food, whole food, real food.

I know I'm healthy.

The part that frustrates me to no end is certainly the fact that I am healthy. I eat well a large majority of the time, while my friends can binge on chips, poutine and fast food, and I have to be so very careful about every single thing that goes in my mouth.

Chalk it up to genes and metabolism I suppose. That's just the way it is.

I am not exactly thrilled about this, but at the end of the day I know I'm healthy and that's what matters (for the most part) to me.

In early May I was in the community for work and the Body Talk crew I work with was there. I kind of feel like a broken record continually bringing up Body Talk on my blog, but it really has changed my life for the insanely better, and so you're just going to have to deal with the repetitiveness.

Anyway, I finally had a private session with the yoda master, freaks you out how amazing she is, guru of Body Talk.

She is so intuitive and amazing and I can't even exactly begin to explain to you how amazing she is and incredibly talented she is at what she does.

It's one of those, you have to see it to believe it things. The things I have witnessed with her are incredible, and the healing I have seen is just unbelievable.

Tangents aside, I finally had my first session with her.

She mentioned quite a few things to me that just kind of freaked the crap out of me. Like, how can you possibly know this about me because nobody else does stuff. She also asked me if I was going to Rome, and now we are suddenly planning to go there. Chicken, egg, who knows but that's the way this woman works.

Anyway, a lot of it came down to my struggles with weight, and how frustrating it is.

She brought up two things I'm walking away with weight-wise.

First, I need to get my thyroid checked. I'm kind of shocked about this one because I honestly never really thought it would be a problem. I've just always been hard on myself because I figured that I just ate terrible too often... but the more I thought about it, the reality is, I eat pretty amazing compared to most people my age... and yet my body holds onto weight. So this is something I'm certainly going to get checked in the near future.

Secondly, I need to stop eating gluten. What to the what? Bread? Seriously?! She told me I need to cut it 90% out of my diet. I've done the gluten-free thing before, but that was just for a cleanse or attempting to eat clean. This is like, a lifetime thing and seriously not having fresh bread forever? I am still in a bit of shock about the whole thing, but in all honesty it has come as no surprise to me. She told me that if I cut gluten out that weight is going to literally fall off of me. When I reflect on my history with gluten, the most successful times with weightloss for me, is when I cut out carbs, which naturally would be because I am cutting the main source of gluten out of my life.

So here I am two weeks in and gluten-free for the most part.

It's a transition, but something I'm taking very seriously.

Of course I'm going to look into testing through traditional western medicine means and figuring out all this stuff out, but to say I'm already feeling a lot better is an understatement.

I had some gluten a few days after cutting it out completely and my stomach was killing and extremely bloated.

So... gluten-free it is.

The exception will of course be perogies in Poland and pizza in Italy. I mean, it's worth the stomach ache.

So hopefully things will start to naturally sort themselves out and I can finally look as healthy on the outside as I eat on the inside.

Are any of you out there gluten-free?
Have you ever had your thyroid checked?

What's Up

So life as per the usual is quite insane and busy and all that jazz.

First up was my brother's memorial party, which was a blast, wonderful and awesome (as per the usual there too).

My brother was a partier, so on every May 2-4 long weekend we party it up hard and drink way too much Jager on his behalf (his favourite).

I started drinking at 3pm and it's a small miracle that I felt a-ok the next day. Anyway, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves...

believe it or not, this is the smallest group we've ever had

my parents and I - seriously love this picture

it just got ridiculous 

This is such a candid photo believe it or not. I went home to bed not very long after this.

This picture just kills me

What's a party without a crazy bonfire?

 Anyway, my long weekend was wicked. I hope my fellow Canadians had a great weekend too, and for my American friends, I hope you all had a great regular weekend.

As for other details of my busy life, everything is Europe planning in my brain right now.

I have my eurail pass purchased and next up are the hostels. I know... I know... way to leave everything to the last minute. True Amy and Katie styles.

However... if we booked everything a long time ago we would have not had the opportunity to switch up our entire trip. Yup.

So this is how it's probably going to go now.

Amsterdam 

Berlin

Warsaw

Krakow

Prague

Amsterdam

Rome

Paris

Amsterdam

Since Amsterdam is our home base, and there may be a slight hiccup, we have to go back to Amsterdam part way through the trip. This kind of got us thinking that we can TOTALLY switch up the entire route and go anywhere else we may desire. Of course, Italy seems like the natural choice here. I've always wanted to go to Italy and so thus, I am uber excited that this is the likely possibility for our new version of the trip. 

I cannot believe that in a week and a half I will be on a plane headed to Europe. 

It's insane. I can't break those birks in fast enough.

I can't even think about packing because it makes my brain hurt and scared. 

So, for the next little while, please excuse me whilst I just plan my Eurotrip in 11 days. 

Cue panic attack. 

A Five Year Reflection

As of today it has been five years since my big brother left this world. 

Five years has been a lot to swallow, and it's been quite a couple of weeks/month leading up to this date. Instead of writing something I decided to record a video reflection. 

I love you Kyle. I miss you every day, and life still isn't the same without your lively spirit here in the flesh.

xo

Badass

I'm feeling pretty badass right now.

The day finally came. I've been talking about this tattoo for ages and years and forever.

And the day came and I got it and I love it.

My gratitude and growth tattoo will forever remind me of taking the time to count your blessings, make the most out of each day, and continue to grow, even when it hurts.

I figured it wouldn't hurt much, but I was dead wrong. It hurt like a motha.

It still hurts.

But... in case you don't follow me on anything else... without further ado I introduce you to tattoo numero three.

The symbol for gratitude turned into a tree.

be humble

find joy in each day

and count your blessings

grow

Lately

This is my first attempt at a post on my iPad so bare (bear?) with me here if the formatting is buggy.

I think it is about time I give an update on my life since a lot has happened lately and I don't really want to forget it, and as loyal and eager readers (ha!) I think you may want one too? Yes? Let's assume :)

I'm currently sitting at the airport in Calgary heading home on my first red eye flight ever. I'm a bit nervous for the crappy night of sleep I am about to experience, but after 12 days in Alberta I am more than ready to go home.

So what's been going on?

On May 1st I flew out to Calgary for work and then over the weekend I went to Vancouver for the first time! This was super exciting for me because I have always wanted to go and Vancouver was near and dear to my brothers heart. In the final year of his life he moved out there for the winter and had an array of crazy adventures. He has many friends from back home out there and I was so happy to finally be able to visit them and see the beautiful city I've been dying to see. Going in May was the cherry on top of it all. My heart was so full and happy to spend time out there.

After that weekend I headed up to the community I work with for their Wellness Week. I was reunited with my Body Talk crew and it was just a fantastic week with my new age peeps. It is so amazing to be surrounded by like-minded people and to explore this world with them.

I had my community anniversary on May 8th and was finally rewarded that evening with seeing the Northern Lights for the first time in the North. A truly spectacular experience that should be on everyone's bucket list. I starred at the sky reflecting on how much I have changed in the last year. How much I have grown and how much more complete my life is.

Then I went to the city near the community for the past two days for meetings that my coworker and I facilitated and just happened to meet Wayne Gretzky. Cool stuff.

Now I'm headed back home to Ottawa for a short week before heading home for my brothers annual memorial party.

Within this week I'm hoping for a fourth date and getting my third tattoo.

Life is just great, happy and warm and fuzzy right now!

So there you have it...an update!

Happy Mother's Day to all the momma's, especially my beautiful one. Love you Mom!!

oh, hi

it's been awhile.

the funny thing is that while in the scheme of things... feels a hell of a lot longer.

once again my job has transformed and configured me.

once again in a short period of time i have felt and experienced such an intense amount of growth that i can't even begin to type it out.

the changes that are occurring are glorious and beautiful, and i yet again am excited by things unfolding in front of me.

i'm still in alberta until sunday... and then i'm back to ottawa again for a few days.

next week is my tattoo, which after this past little bit has just made me even more excited and ready for this ink.

next week is also five years since i lost my brother.

the tears i've cried for him this past week have been tears of growth and healing.

five years is a lot to take in, but i've been surrounded by the most amazing people that i am so humbled to call my coworkers supporting me through the transitions and processing of this date rapidly approaching.

i realize how out there and corny i often sound these days, but the spiritual quest and journey i've been on in the past year (and beyond) has been so amazing.

i cannot wait to see what the next year unfolds.

and the year after that and that and that.