Okay so after yesterday's word vomit of a victory speech (yes I'll call it a victory), it's time for me to kind of sort out my life.
I feel like in some ways a lot of my life over the last little while has been me waiting just waiting for things to happen. Hoping for things to happen. Well, now it's just me (and Vada) and I can do whatever I want. If I'm waiting, it's because I'm being lazy and not taking my life by the horns, like I should.
So my plan is to make this summer 100% about myself. I did declare 2011 to be the year of me, and I want to ring in 2012 feeling fabulous about everything I accomplished instead of whining and saying, well it was a tough year since...
That's just an excuse and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for fabulous.
Unfortunately as they say "We enter relationships as a somebody and leave them as a nobody."
I'm not regretting anything about the past 4.5 years of my life, but this quote said by the notorious "they" rings so true to me.
I lost myself a lot in this relationship, particularly during the demise at the end. I felt like a chicken running around with my head cut off trying to make everyone happy and fix everything. Some things just aren't fixable, which I found out the hard way, and along the way I lost myself.
In October 2006 (when we met) I was a strong, independent woman, with a good head on my shoulders, a happy jean size, smile on my face ready to conquer the world.
Somewhere between then and now I gained 40-50 pounds, became extremely emotional and well, just lost a lot of that independent, confident steam I had found and loved in 2006. I don't blame any of this on him at all, I blame it on the relationship and a lot of the messy things that happened in my life during this time period.
I'm not coming out of this as a basher or a hater. I would never do that. It's so not my style. Of course as many of you can gather, and some of you have heard, something happened yesterday that made me just want to wash my hands from it all. I got spit on hard, and kicked in the stomach when I was down, and I'm just going to look at it as a blessing in disguise.
It's time to move on to bigger and much better things.
I am at a fabulous place in my career. I have wonderful friends and family that have been there for me 100000% of the way. And you? The blogging world, the amazing lifetime friends I have made via the interwebs? You people that have offered up your heart break stories, the emails, the messages, the tweets, the checking in? You have all helped me more than I could ever explain, thank-you just isn't enough. I also have the cutest cat on the planet...and I'm going places. I have a lot to offer the world, and I will never doubt that.
I want to inspire. I want to do great things. I want to live my life to the fullest and meet my maximum potential...and dammit I will!
So I call to all you women out there in a bad relationship. All you people that were me. The ones who were ignoring that little voice hoping for it to get better. The ones that think, it was great, it was amazing, it will get back there! Don't kid yourself. That voice is talking to you for a reason. The more you ignore it, deny it, and choose to look the other way, the worse it will become. It took me a long time to listen to that voice, and decide it was time to walk away... and it has taken me and additional 40 days to get to the point where I realized I was still just holding on to a lingering hope.
Hope that he would wake up. Hope that he would see what he threw away. Hope that he would lose all his doubt. Hope that he would come home. Hope that he would change.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
You can will it. You can't force it. You can't hope it.
You can't change someone.
It won't happen.
What's meant to happen will happen.
I know that I'm just on the other side of the wall now and I still have a bit of a mountain to climb, but today I feel like I can breathe.
I don't have to wait anymore.
This is my life, and I'm going to really start living it.
oh and here is a little bit of a cuteness thank-you for all being such great listeners (readers).