I had a nice little bomb dropped on me yesterday and I'm not going into details. If you may have noticed I drafted my last post (pre-SFC) and I am probably going to keep it there. I think I have been taking my fingers to the keys a little too much lately, and while it has been quite helpful and soothing for me I feel like it might be backfiring on me internally.
I am a pretty private person when it comes to stuff, and with the emotional craziness of what I've been going through with this break-up I find I keep just texting/calling my friends and family the second something happens because I think I can't handle it on my own... or I go to Twitter and tweet my soul out, and then blog about it...and then after I kind of regret telling so many people so many details of what's going on before I've even given myself a minute to process it.
I think it was almost good that yesterday I had this huge massive heart-wrenching unbelievable bomb dropped on me and then I was cut off from my computer, cell phone and diary (I didn't pack it) for 8.5 hours. I had no choice but to sleep, distract myself or think about it. Since the situation was a little too emotional for me to not think about it, I spent every single second of those traveling hours trying to internalize what had happened earlier in the day.
This past week has been a shit storm...and that's an understatement. One. freakin'. thing. after. another. I brought a lot of it on myself with digging, questions and my emotions, but it's not my fault. What happened happened, and I can't even begin to comprehend how it makes me feel.
I can only explain to you right now that it's like when my brother died (not in the severity of the emotions associated with it, but in my reaction). I was a zombie of emotion. I cried until tears just came out on their own without intention, and felt utterly numb. Food is disgusting again...and yet I'm being oddly strong. I am sucking it up, and looking out for other
Sometimes I just wish I could turn it all off and have no emotional reaction. On and off switch. I need an emotional vacation please. I have had enough shit storms, emotional bombs and crap lately, thank-you very much. Can I just have a week of pure happiness? Or nothing? Just normalcy? Is that too much to ask?
I often feel like negative creates negative, but I really have stayed positive amongst all of this. I truly have. I have remained hopeful for my future in every sense, stayed strong and positive, but somehow I keep getting the shit end of the stick and I'm ready to say... enough already!!!!
Pause. Break. TIME-OUT.
Honestly, if I get one more thing in the next month that is remotely emotionally crushing, I can't promise you that this lady right here won't be gone over some deep-end (seriously I'm using light humour in this, please don't worry about me).
The timing is right in many respects, I may be running on a very shitty, wake-up a million times, tossing and turning, stomach pains, and night sweating four hour sleep, but I am away.
I am on vacation...working 12 hour days vacation... but hell I'll take what I can get.
I'm breathing in the dusty Alberta air, smiling at the sun, and saying, thanks to the higher power that took me swiftly out of the situation just when I needed it most.